Decision 4: Dating & Sex

Dr. Chris Stroble / Published on July 22, 2024


Last summer, I checked out Sean Covey's book, The 6 Most Important Decisions You'll Ever Make: A Guide for Teens, from our local library to read with my son. Sean Covey is the son of New York Times bestselling author Stephen Covey, who wrote The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. 


My teenage son (then 14, now 15) and I started reading, and the first few chapters were so good that I immediately ordered a personal copy for him and one for my little cousin. They both agreed, "This is really good. Our church bought a copy for our youth, and now, a year later, I have finished teaching this book to the teens in our church. They soaked it up!


One of the most important decisions Sean Covey says teens will make is, "What are you going to do about dating and sex?" He encourages teens to make the right decision-to wait-and offers three reasons why they should wait:


1.  Wait for the child

2.  Wait for the relationship

3.  Waiting for freedom

Wait For the Child

Covey points out that it is unfair to the child to be born without a committed father or a mother who hasn't finished high school. You are still trying to find your own way. A child needs every advantage to get a good start in life. Give your child the best chance to succeed. Wait for your child.


SPECIAL NOTE:

What if you've had multiple sexual partners or gotten pregnant or gotten someone else pregnant? What do you do now? As Sean Covey writes, "Whatever you do, don't be like a row of dominoes where one regret leads to another and another and another. He writes,

 "Sometimes we think: Well, it's done. Who cares what happens now?" Just remember, one poor choice isn't as bad as two or three. If you've done something you regret (or that has made life more difficult), stop the dominos from falling by taking control and not making another mistake [situation that makes life even more challenging]."


If you were abused as a child (under the age of 18), know that that was not your fault. A child is never at fault for abuse. That abuse may have led directly or indirectly to a teen pregnancy. Again, that was not your fault. Yes, you read that correctly. Your teen pregnancy was not your fault; however, as unfair as it is, the abuse or neglect you may have endured, you must do the hard work of healing from that in order to get your life back on track. One way to do this is to talk to a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC).

Wait For the Relationship

Another reason to wait is for the relationship. Covey explains that relationships move forward in two different ways. Both begin with attraction. Where the relationship goes from there is up to you. You can take one of two paths: the self-centered lust path or the selfless love path.

Self-Centered Lust

  • Infatuation
  • Material
  • Breakup

Selfless Love

  • Friendship
  • Bonding
  • Commitment


On the Selfless Love route, Covey's advice is to, stay Above the Bar. Above the Bar is Affection; Below the bar is Passion.


Affection: ABOVE the bar

·        Short hugs and light kissing

·        A hug

·        Holding hands

Passion: BELOW the bar

·        Making out, heavy kissing

·        Touching, fondling

·        Intercourse, oral sex, other forms of sex.

STAY ABOVE the bar is how you Wait for the Relationship. 



Wait For the Freedom

A third reason to wait is for the freedom. Consider the freedom you have by waiting. If you're not sexually active, consider the freedom your choices have already granted you. You're free from worry, regret, disease, pregnancy, complications, or taking on responsibilities you're not ready for. Covey points out that after having sex, many teens

  • Feel regret.
  • Become depressed and suffer from low self-esteem, and
  • Feel disappointed, hurt, or betrayed.

You can avoid these uncomfortable feelings if you wait. Wait for freedom. 


Thanks to our local library

I don't know what I was looking for that day at the library, but I'm glad I came across Sean Covey's book, The 6 Most Important Decisions You'll Ever Make: A Guide for Teens. I appreciate that our local library has it in their collection. 


It is a huge relief to have had a conversation with my son about dating & sex, and I'm so, so grateful I have planted the seed in him and the teens at our church not just to wait--but WHY wait. I acknowledged that as parents we have not always made the right decision, but as the Body of Christ, we want God's best for them, and God's best for them is to wait.

1.   Wait for the child

2.   Wait for the relationship, and

3.   Wait for freedom. 


If you are a teen or parent of a teen and want to guide your children in the right direction when it comes to dating and sex, Sean Covey's book is a great resource - The 6 Most Important Decisions You'll Ever Make: A Guide for Teens.